Semifinal #1: Neil Diamond "Heartlight" vs. Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On"
Semifinal #2: Dan Hill "Sometimes When We Touch" vs. Morris Albert "Feelings"
Semifinal #1
North Champion Neil Diamond"Heartlight" Defeated Band Aid “Do They Know It’s Christmas” 13-0-2
Defeated Walter Murphy “A Fifth Of Beethoven” 20-0
Defeated Lou Bega “Mambo No. 5” 11-2-1
Defeated Color Me Badd “I Wanna Sex You Up” 10-4-1
Defeated Christopher Cross “Sailing” 16-3
Defeated Michael Bolton “When A Man Loves A Woman” 10-6
Commentary:
“Hearlight” was one of three songs to pitch a shutout in the first round. Then it pitched another shutout in the second round. (Although both came against what most saw as weak competition.) “Heartlight” then proceeded to prove it had serious staying power by thrashing the much hated “Mambo No. 5,” and followed that up with a easy takedown of the awful “I Wanna Sex You Up.” Christopher Cross’ “Sailing,” which had breezed through most of its competition to that point, got crushed by the “Heartlight” juggernaut.
Neil Diamond’s love song to “E.T.” finally ran into an entry that gave it a real match with Michael Bolton’s Grammy-winning desecration of “When A Man Loves A Woman,” but beat back that challenger as well. Next up – Celine Dion. Can she succeed where everyone’s favorite no-talent ass-clown has failed?
West Champion Celine Dion"My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme From Titanic)" Defeated Britney Spears "...Baby One More Time" 9-4-1
Defeated Journey "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" 15-2
Defeated Puff Daddy et. al. "I'll Be Missing You" 10-7
Defeated Billy Ray Cyrus “Achy Breaky Heart” 13-5
Defeated Debby Boone “You Light Up My Life” 10-9
Defeated Gerardo “Rico Suave” 12-4
Commentary:
Celine’s “Titanic” song had the tough job of opposing Britney Spears in the opening round, but easily handled it. After a weak second round opponent, Celine outlasted Puff Daddy’s trashing of a great Police song 10-7, before easily beating back the most loathed country song of all time in “Achy Breaky Heart.” After a narrow 10-9 decision over Debby Boone’s equally cloying “You Light Up My Life,” “Heart” scored a decisive victory over Gerardo’s “Rico Suave.” It faces its toughest foe yet in Neil Diamond’s “Heartlight.”
Semifinal #2
East Champion Dan Hill"Sometimes When We Touch" Defeated Billy Joel “Just The Way You Are” 22-4
Defeated Bette Midler “Wind Beneath My Wings” 12-10
Defeated Starship “We Built This City” 11-7
Defeated Julio Iglesias/Willie Nelson “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before” 9-6
Defeated Neil Diamond “I Am, I Said” 14-5
Defeated Bryan Adams “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” 9-7
Commentary:
Talk about leaving behind a trail of death and destruction. This song has been tested, running a gauntlet of some of the worst, most schlocky, most cloying, most maudlin ballads (plus the atrocious, obnoxious, and self-congratulatory “We Built This City”) and came out on top every time. It’s had more close calls than any of the other three remaining contenders, but that’s in part a function of the consistent nature of its competition. It does battle with Morris Albert’s “Feelings” in a battle of 70s schlock.
Pepsi vs. GEICO, anyone?
South Champion Morris Albert"Feelings"*
Defeated Ohio Express “Yummy Yummy Yummy” 16-2-2
Defeated Mariah Carey “Dreamlover” 16-7
Defeated Tony Orlando & Dawn “Tie A Yellow Ribbon…” 16-5
Defeated Patrick Swayze “She’s Like The Wind” 15-4-1
Defeated Vanilla Ice “Ice Ice Baby” 13-6
Defeated Baha Men “Who Let The Dogs Out?” 11-5
Commentary:
Through four rounds, one might have gotten the idea that “Feelings” was getting by against weak competition, even though it did take down a Mariah Carey tune handily. The bubblegum of “Yummy” was more banal than offensive to most, Orlando & Dawn’s song had a cheering section among the patriotic, and I was as stunned as anyone when Swayze upset Creed in the third round. Then came what many doubtless thought would be a battle to the death with the much-mocked Vanilla Ice, which had not yet been seriously challenged, and fresh off a comfortable victory against Snow’s “Informer.” But instead “Feelings” silenced the doubters once and for all by doubling up “Ice Ice Baby.” For an encore, “Feelings” scored a convincing win over “Who Let The Dogs Out?” to reach the Fetid Four. Can Morris’ tune reach the Jukebox From Hell final?
THE "FETID FOUR" Neil Diamond "Heartlight"
Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme From Titanic)"
Dan Hill "Sometimes When We Touch"
Morris Albert "Feelings"
REGIONAL FINALS RESULTS
North Final Michael Bolton "When A Man Loves A Woman": 6
Neil Diamond "Heartlight": 10 Choice Quote: “Imagine Percy Sledge singing both songs. One becomes a classic, the other remains a love song to an alien.” - RG
Answer Guy: Neil Diamond’s love song to E.T. advances to the Fetid Four.
West Final Gerardo "Rico Suave": 4
Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On": 12 Choice Quote: “At least radio stations refuse to play Gerardo. That Titanic song will not go away.” - JH
Answer Guy: Celine’s “Titanic” anthem sinks yet another tough contender.
East Final Dan Hill "Sometimes When We Touch": 9 Bryan Adams "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You": 7
Choice Quote: ”Another agonizingly close call.” - EB
Answer Guy: Hill’s nauseating future insurance company jingle takes down Adams’ bombastic “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” tune. And here in Jukebox From Hell, we specialize in agonizing calls, whether close or not. Heh.
South Final Morris Albert "Feelings": 11 Baha Men "Who Let The Dogs Out?": 5
Choice Quote: At least "Who Let the Dogs Out?" is kinda energizing. I'm pretty sure Seligman was listening to "Feelings" when he got the idea for learned helplessness. - TM
Answer Guy: Two straight thrashings of repulsive hip-hop ditties gets Morris into the Fetid Four.
I guess I was rooting for a little more diversity, but I suppose it makes sense that the Fetid Four is entirely ballads. But either way, it's hard to say that any of these songs aren't deserving. Semifinals begin tomorrow morning.
North Final: Michael Bolton "When A Man Loves A Woman" vs. Neil Diamond "Heartlight"
West Final: Gerardo "Rico Suave" vs. Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme From Titanic)"
East Final: Dan Hill "Sometimes When We Touch" vs. Bryan Adams "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You"
South Final: Morris Albert "Feelings" vs. Baha Men "Who Let The Dogs Out?"
Voting closes at 8:00 PM EST on Tuesday, April 1.
North Final Michael Bolton"When A Man Loves A Woman" Defeated Poison “Unskinny Bop” 19-0
Defeated Minnie Riperton “Lovin’ You” 13-5
Defeated Zager & Evans “In The Year 2525” 11-5
Defeated Rednex “Cotton Eye Joe” 10-5
Defeated Nazareth “Love Hurts” 15-3-1
Neil Diamond"Heartlight" Defeated Band Aid “Do They Know It’s Christmas” 13-0-2
Defeated Walter Murphy “A Fifth Of Beethoven” 20-0
Defeated Lou Bega “Mambo No. 5” 11-2-1
Defeated Color Me Badd “I Wanna Sex You Up” 10-4-1
Defeated Christopher Cross “Sailing” 16-3
West Final Gerardo"Rico Suave" Defeated Paula Abdul “Cold Hearted” 16-3-2
Defeated Lynyrd Skynyrd “Sweet Home Alabama” 14-5
Defeated Salt-N-Pepa “Push It” 16-0
Defeated 4 Non Blondes “What’s Up” 17-1
Defeated R. Kelly “I Believe I Can Fly” 12-7
Celine Dion"My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme From Titanic)" Defeated Britney Spears "...Baby One More Time" 9-4-1
Defeated Journey "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" 15-2
Defeated Puff Daddy et. al. "I'll Be Missing You" 10-7
Defeated Billy Ray Cyrus “Achy Breaky Heart” 13-5
Defeated Debby Boone “You Light Up My Life” 10-9
East Final Dan Hill"Sometimes When We Touch" Defeated Billy Joel “Just The Way You Are” 22-4
Defeated Bette Midler “Wind Beneath My Wings” 12-10
Defeated Starship “We Built This City” 11-7
Defeated Julio Iglesias/Willie Nelson “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before” 9-6
Defeated Neil Diamond “I Am, I Said” 14-5
Bryan Adams"(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" Defeated Journey “Open Arms” 9-3
Defeated Herman’s Hermits “I’m Henry VIII, I Am” 14-7
Defeated Partridge Family “I Think I Love You” 10-7
Defeated Lionel Richie “Dancing On The Ceiling” 12-2-1
Defeated Richard Harris “Macarthur Park” 9-9-1 (OT)
South Final Morris Albert"Feelings"*
Defeated Ohio Express “Yummy Yummy Yummy” 16-2-2
Defeated Mariah Carey “Dreamlover” 16-7
Defeated Tony Orlando & Dawn “Tie A Yellow Ribbon…” 16-5
Defeated Patrick Swayze “She’s Like The Wind” 15-4-1
Defeated Vanilla Ice “Ice Ice Baby” 13-6
Baha Men"Who Let The Dogs Out" Defeated LFO “Summer Girls” 10-6-1
Defeated Lipps Inc. “Funkytown” 18-3
Defeated Shania Twain “Man! I Feel Like A Woman” 11-4
Defeated Rod Stewart “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” 13-7
Defeated Richard Marx "Right Here Waiting" 12-7
(Note: Voting on Regional Finals begins tomorrow.)
North Semifinal #1
Nazareth "Love Hurts": 3
Michael Bolton "When A Man Loves A Woman": 15 (1 Abstention)
Choice Quote: “What hurts more... a remake hardly befitting of the original, or power schlock? Bolton wins the conflip.” - TS
Answer Guy: Bolton’s Grammy-winning desecration of Percy Sledge’s classic thrashes yet another worthy contender.
North Semifinal #2
Neil Diamond "Heartlight": 16 Christopher Cross "Sailing": 3
Choice Quote: “Remember folks...it's a LOVE SONG TO AN ALIEN.” - JD
Answer Guy: “Heartlight” claims another victim. Can Neil’s love song to E.T. overcome its toughest challenger yet in everyone’s favorite no-talent ass-clown and reach the Fetid Four?
West Semifinal #1
Gerardo "Rico Suave": 12 R. Kelly "I Believe I Can Fly": 7
Choice Quote: “R. Kelly believes he can fly. Gerardo believes he can sing. Kelly might not be correct in his assumption, but Gerardo is just flat-out wrong.” - EB
Answer Guy: Finally, R. Kelly goes down. (No, not on a 13-year old girl.) “Rico” finally takes the overplayed, preachy “Fly” back down to earth.
West Semifinal #2
Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On": 10 Debby Boone "You Light Up My Life": 9
Choice Quote: “The suck factor is about equal, but Celine sings a lot louder.” - VG
Answer Guy: Celine’s “Titanic” theme sinks Debby’s ode to Godliness. Can it sink wack Spanglish rapper Gerardo? Tune in tomorrow.
East Semifinal #1
Dan Hill "Sometimes When We Touch": 14 Neil Diamond "I Am, I Said": 5
Choice Quote: ”While tempting, I'd rather have eight different artists represented in the Jukebox "Elite" Eight. Besides, Neil Diamond didn't sing a love song to gecko.” - JD
Answer Guy: No, Neil Diamond will not put two songs in the Evil Eight. Blame that gecko if you must.
East Semifinal #2
Bryan Adams "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You": 9 (OT)
Richard Harris "Macarthur Park": 9
(1 Abstention)
Choice Quote: ”At least Macarthur Park tries to be artistic with "metaphors" and such.” - JG
Answer Guy: I broke the tie in favor of Adams for two reasons:
1. I’d already broken a tie in favor of “Macarthur Park” two rounds ago.
2. While I can’t recall being subjected to any song by Richard Harris on the radio, I have spent my entire life dodging Bryan Adams in general and this schlocky tune in particular.
South Semifinal #1
Vanilla Ice "Ice Ice Baby": 6
Morris Albert "Feelings": 13 Choice Quote: “I really had planned to have Ice in the Final 4, but "Feelings" is nausea-inducing.” - RG
Answer Guy: Just after handily dispatching Snow, Ice is frozen in his tracks by the horrible lounge singing of “Feelings.”
South Semifinal #2
Richard Marx "Right Here Waiting": 7
Baha Men "Who Let The Dogs Out?": 12 Choice Quote: “Those puppies shouldn't have been let out of the kennel.” - TS
Answer Guy: The stadium staple finally faces a ballad in Jukebox From Hell, and still emerges as the top, um, dog. No more Marxist revolution in this Jukebox.
Regional Semifinals (see below) votes will end Thursday, March 27 at 6:00 PM.
Regional Finals votes will occur over the weekend, giving us the long-awaited "Final Four."
Reminder : Also remember to vote in the North and West Regional Semifinals as well. REGIONAL SEMIFINALS - PART 2
East Semifinal #1: Dan Hill "Sometimes When We Touch" vs. Neil Diamond "I Am, I Said"
East Semifinal #2: Bryan Adams "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" vs. Richard Harris "Macarthur Park"
South Semifinal #1: Vanilla Ice "Ice Ice Baby" vs. Morris Albert "Feelings"
South Semifinal #2: Richard Marx "Right Here Waiting" vs. Baha Men "Who Let The Dogs Out?"
East Semifinal #1
Dan Hill"Sometimes When We Touch" Defeated Billy Joel “Just The Way You Are” 22-4
Defeated Bette Midler “Wind Beneath My Wings” 12-10
Defeated Starship “We Built This City” 11-7
Defeated Julio Iglesias/Willie Nelson “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before” 9-6
Neil Diamond"I Am, I Said" Defeated Bo Donaldson & The Heywoods “Billy, Don’t Be A Hero” 9-6-1
Defeated Mike + The Mechanics “The Living Years” 10-9-1
Defeated Blue Swede “Hooked On A Feeling” 10-8
Defeated Extreme “More Than Words” 8-7
East Semifinal #2
Bryan Adams"(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" Defeated Journey “Open Arms” 9-3
Defeated Herman’s Hermits “I’m Henry VIII, I Am” 14-7
Defeated Partridge Family “I Think I Love You” 10-7
Defeated Lionel Richie “Dancing On The Ceiling” 12-2-1
Richard Harris"Macarthur Park" Defeated Archies “Sugar Sugar” 13-4
Defeated Rick Astley “Together Forever” 12-8
Defeated Limp Bizkit “Nookie” 8-8-1 (OT)
Defeated Los Del Rio “Macarena” 12-3
South Semifinal #1
Vanilla Ice"Ice Ice Baby" Defeated Fine Young Cannibals “She Drives Me Crazy” 21-0
Defeated Gordon Lightfoot “Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald” 17-3
Defated Elvis Presley “In The Ghetto” 19-2
Defeated Snow “Informer” 14-5-1
Morris Albert"Feelings"*
Defeated Ohio Express “Yummy Yummy Yummy” 16-2-2
Defeated Mariah Carey “Dreamlover” 16-7
Defeated Tony Orlando & Dawn “Tie A Yellow Ribbon…” 16-5
Defeated Patrick Swayze “She’s Like The Wind” 15-4-1
South Semifinal #2
Richard Marx"Right Here Waiting" Defeated Milli Vanilli “Baby Don’t Forget My Number” 9-5-1
Defeated Jack Wagner “All I Need” 10-9
Defeated Alanis Morisette “Ironic” 11-3-1
Defeated Meat Loaf “I’d Do Anything For Love…” 11-9
Baha Men"Who Let The Dogs Out" Defeated LFO “Summer Girls” 10-6-1
Defeated Lipps Inc. “Funkytown” 18-3
Defeated Shania Twain “Man! I Feel Like A Woman” 11-4
Defeated Rod Stewart “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?” 13-7
North Semifinal #1: Nazareth "Love Hurts" vs. Michael Bolton "When A Man Loves A Woman"
North Semifinal #2: Neil Diamond "Heartlight" vs. Christopher Cross "Sailing"
West Semifinal #1: Gerardo "Rico Suave" vs. R. Kelly "I Believe I Can Fly"
West Semifinal #2: Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On" vs. Debby Boone "You Light Up My Life"
North Semifinal #1
Nazareth"Love Hurts" Defeated Iron Butterfly “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” 17-10-1
Defeated Spice Girls “Wannabe” 13-10
Defeated Def Leppard “Let’s Get Rocked” 13-3
Defeated Backstreet Boys “I Want It That Way” 8-6-1
Michael Bolton"When A Man Loves A Woman" Defeated Poison “Unskinny Bop” 19-0
Defeated Minnie Riperton “Loving You” 13-5
Defeated Zager & Evans “In The Year 2525” 11-5
Defeated Rednex “Cotton Eye Joe” 10-5
North Semifinal #2
Neil Diamond"Heartlight" Defeated Band Aid “Do They Know It’s Christmas” 13-0-2
Defeated Walter Murphy “A Fifth Of Beethoven” 20-0
Defeated Lou Bega “Mambo No. 5” 11-2-1
Defeated Color Me Badd “I Wanna Sex You Up” 10-4-1
Christopher Cross"Sailing" Defeated The Knack “My Sharona” 14-1
Defeated Warrant “Cherry Pie” 11-7-1
Defeated Bobby Goldsboro “Honey” 11-3
Defeated Eddie Murphy “Party All The Time” 9-6
West Semifinal #1
Gerardo"Rico Suave" Defeated Paula Abdul “Cold Hearted” 16-3-2
Defeated Lynyrd Skynyrd “Sweet Home Alabama” 14-5
Defeated Salt-N-Pepa “Push It” 16-0
Defeated 4 Non Blondes “What’s Up” 17-1
R. Kelly"I Believe I Can Fly" Defeated Blur “Song 2” 18-2
Defeated USA For Africa “We Are The World” 17-6
Defeated Paul Anka “You’re Having My Baby” 8-7-1
Defeated Kris Kross “Jump” 10-8
West Semifinal #2
Celine Dion"My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme From Titanic)" Defeated Britney Spears "...Baby One More Time" 9-4-1
Defeated Journey "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)" 15-2
Defeated Puff Daddy et. al. "I'll Be Missing You" 10-7
Defeated Billy Ray Cyrus “Achy Breaky Heart” 13-5
Debby Boone"You Light Up My Life" Defeated Barry Manilow "I Write The Songs" 9-6
Defeated Frankie Goes To Hollywood "Relax" 15-2-1
Defeated Jewel "Foolish Games" 16-1
Defeated Starland Vocal Band “Afternoon Delight” 12-5-1
And now...the Sour Sixteen...
Nazareth "Love Hurts"
Michael Bolton "When A Man Loves A Woman"
Neil Diamond "Heartlight"
Christopher Cross "Sailing"
Dan Hill "Sometimes When We Touch"
Neil Diamond "I Am, I Said"
Bryan Adams "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You"
Richard Harris "Macarthur Park"
Vanilla Ice "Ice Ice Baby"
Morris Albert "Feelings"
Richard Marx "Right Here Waiting"
Baha Men "Who Let The Dogs Out?"
Gerardo "Rico Suave"
R. Kelly "I Believe I Can Fly"
Celine Dion "My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme From Titanic)"
Debby Boone "You Light Up My Life"
Set #60 Results
Snow “Informer”: 5
Vanilla Ice “Ice Ice Baby”: 14 (1 Abstention)
Dave Sez: “I come from the land of the Ice and Snow, from the burning jukebox with a brimstone glow. Yeah, this is Hell. Vanilla Ice make me long for the authenticity of MC Hammer.” Answer Guy: Ice over Snow. Sounds like a lot of weather forecasts in Washington over this past winter. (At least I hope it’s past.)
(And since I got few other quotes, I’m just turning this edition of Choice Quotes entirely over to Mr. Vacca.)
Morris Albert “Feelings”: 15 Patrick Swayze “She’s Like The Wind”: 4
(1 Abstention)
Dave Sez: They say guys don't like talking about feelings. Maybe this song is to blame? Answer Guy: Swayze’s Cinderella run ends here.
Meatloaf “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)”: 9
Richard Marx “Right Here Waiting”: 11 Dave Sez: Not only can Meatloaf invoke the Chuck Berry defense [i.e. we can excuse a bad hit by a performer who produced otherwise worthy material], Richard Marx's little ditty is just more vomitous. Answer Guy: I’m going express my disagreement with the verdict here, mostly based on the idea that Marx is and was easy to simply ignore. It’s hard to ignore this Meat Loaf song. Or any other Meat Loaf song, whether good or not.
Baha Men “Who Let The Dogs Out?”: 13 Rod Stewart “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?”: 7
Dave Sez: Even Maggie Simpson tries to change the channel when this hits Radio Disney. Answer Guy: Interestingly, “Dogs,” one of the few uptempo songs left in the running, has faced only other uptempo tunes thusfar. How will it fare against a sappy ballad? We’ll find out next round, when the dogs are confronted with a Marxist threat.
Set #59 Results
4 Non Blondes “What’s Up”: 1
Gerardo “Rico Suave”: 17 Choice Quote: “Gerardo. Es no contesto!” - VG
Answer Guy: No contesto indeed. I wasn’t expecting to see 17-1 beatdowns in the fourth round. And yet “Rico” has done it.
R. Kelly “I Believe I Can Fly”: 10 Kris Kross “Jump”: 8
Choice Quote: “Kris Kross can claim youth as an excuse. R. Kelly's only relationship with youth...oh well, you know where I'm going...” - GJ
Answer Guy: The pedophilia factor – in addition to the overcommercialization factor, the overexposure factor, the pretentiousness factor, and the “Space Jam” factor – pushes R. Kelly past yet another tough opponent.
Billy Ray Cyrus “Achy Breaky Heart”: 5
Celine Dion “My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme From Titanic)”: 13 Choice Quote: “Celine and Debby. Screw the West Regional of the NCAA Final Four, look at what this set is coming down to.”
- EB
Answer Guy: Celine’s “Titanic” anthem leaves yet another worthy opponent in the dust.
Starland Vocal Band “Afternoon Delight”: 5
Debby Boone “You Light Up My Life”: 12 (1 Abstention)
Choice Quote: “My actions -- the convulsions, the projectile vomiting -- speak louder than words.” - GS
Answer Guy: We finally bid adieu to Starland Vocal Band, much like the nation did after their variety show proved short-lived.
Snow “Informer” vs. Vanilla Ice “Ice Ice Baby”
Morris Albert “Feelings” vs. Patrick Swayze “She’s Like The Wind”
Meatloaf “I’d Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)” vs. Richard Marx “Right Here Waiting”
Baha Men “Who Let The Dogs Out?” vs. Rod Stewart “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy?”
Matchup #1
Snow"Informer" Defeated Beck “Loser” 21-2-1
Defeated Eric Clapton “Wonderful Tonight” 14-6
Defeated Eric Carmen “All By Myself” 11-9-1
Vanilla Ice"Ice Ice Baby" Defeated Fine Young Cannibals “She Drives Me Crazy” 21-0
Defeated Gordon Lightfoot “Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald” 17-3
Defated Elvis Presley “In The Ghetto” 19-2
Matchup #2
Morris Albert"Feelings"*
Defeated Ohio Express “Yummy Yummy Yummy” 16-2-2
Defeated Mariah Carey “Dreamlover” 16-7
Defeated Tony Orlando & Dawn “Tie A Yellow Ribbon…” 16-5
Patrick Swayze"She's Like The Wind" Defeated Beach Boys “Kokomo” 8-7
Defeated Guns n’ Roses “November Rain” 13-10
Defeated Creed “With Arms Wide Open” 11-10
Richard Marx"Right Here Waiting" Defeated Milli Vanilli “Baby Don’t Forget My Number” 9-5-1
Defeated Jack Wagner “All I Need” 10-9
Defeated Alanis Morisette “Ironic” 11-3-1
Matchup #4
Baha Men"Who Let The Dogs Out" Defeated LFO “Summer Girls” 10-6-1
Defeated Lipps Inc. “Funkytown” 18-3
Defeated Shania Twain “Man! I Feel Like A Woman” 11-4
Rod Stewart"Da Ya Think I'm Sexy?" Defeated Donna Summer “Love To Love You Baby” 8-7
Defeated Jimmy Buffett “Why Don’t We Get Drunk” 16-4-1
Defeated Steve Miller Band “Abracadabra” 8-7
Set #58 Results
Dan Hill “Sometimes When We Touch”: 9 Julio Iglesias/Willie Nelson “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before”: 6
Choice Quote: “The song that launched a thousand auto insurance policies wins here.” - JD
Answer Guy: Dan Hill wins the battle of the atrocious torch songs.
Extreme “More Than Words”: 7
Neil Diamond “I Am, I Said”: 8 Choice Quote: “I challenge anyone to actually read the lyrics to this song [“I Am, I Said”] and not vote for it.” - RG
Answer Guy: Neil puts both his songs into the Sour Sixteen. Good work.
Bryan Adams “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You”: 12 Lionel Richie “Dancing On The Ceiling”: 2
(1 Abstention)
Choice Quote: “O Canada ... please stop cursing us with these terrible singers.” - EB
Answer Guy: Bryan and his “Robin Hood” theme puts Lionel back on the floor.
Los Del Rio/Bayside Boys “Macarena”: 3
Richard Harris “Macarthur Park”: 12 Choice Quote: “You can leave your cakes in the rain, I don't care for them...” - TS
Answer Guy: After squeaking by Limp Bizkit, “Macarthur Park” lays the smackdown on “Macarena.” Go figure.
4 Non Blondes “What’s Up” vs. Gerardo “Rico Suave”
R. Kelly “I Believe I Can Fly” vs. Kris Kross “Jump”
Billy Ray Cyrus “Achy Breaky Heart” vs. Celine Dion “My Heart Will Go On (Love Theme From Titanic)”
Starland Vocal Band “Afternoon Delight” vs. Debby Boone “You Light Up My Life”
Matchup #1
4 Non Blondes"What's Up" Defeated B-52s "Love Shack" 18-4
Defeated America "A Horse With No Name" 11-8
Defeated Kix "Don't Close Your Eyes" 9-7
Matchup #2
R. Kelly"I Believe I Can Fly" Defeated Blur "Song 2" 18-2
Defeated USA For Africa "We Are The World" 17-6
Defeated Paul Anka "You're Having My Baby" 8-7-1
Kris Kross"Jump" Defeated Debbie Gibson "Electric Youth" 8-5
Defeated Paul McCartney/Wings "My Love" 18-4-1
Defeated Stevie Wonder "I Just Called To Say I Love You" 15-7-1
Matchup #3
Billy Ray Cyrus"Achy Breaky Heart" Defeated Georgia Satellites "Keep Your Hands To Yourself" 16-0
Defeated Dionne Warwick & Friends "That's What Friends Are For" 14-3
Defeated Kenny G "Songbird" 11-6
Matchup #4
Starland Vocal Band"Afternoon Delight" Defeated Helen Reddy "I Am Woman" 8-7
Defeated Elton John "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" 10-8
Defeated Kenny Rogers/Dolly Parton "Islands In The Stream" 9-7-1
Debby Boone"You Light Up My Life" Defeated Barry Mannilow "I Write The Songs" 9-6
Defeated Frankie Goes To Hollywood "Relax" 15-2-1
Defeated Jewel "Foolish Games" 16-1
Set #57 Results
Nazareth “Love Hurts”: 8 Backstreet Boys “I Want It That Way”: 6
(1 Abstention)
Choice Quote: Nazareth begat Poison, which begat Slaughter, which begat Firehouse, which begat Steelheart, which begat Collective Soul, which begat Creed. Get the picture? - JD
Answer Guy: Nazareth pulls off yet another upset on its way to the (thanks, Dave) Sour 16.
Michael Bolton “When A Man Loves A Woman”: 10 Rednex “Cotton Eye Joe”: 5
Choice Quote: “The fact Bolton won a Grammy for turning a Percy Sledge classic into dreck still haunts me to this day. And his refusal to thank Sledge for creating this tune was an absolute disgrace.” - JD
Answer Guy: Everyone’s favorite no-talent ass clown continues to advance.
Neil Diamond “Heartlight”: 10 Color Me Badd “I Wanna Sex You Up”: 4
(1 Abstention)
Choice Quote: CMB may be bad, but they're not Neil Diamond. I mean, he was singing a ballad to a SPACE ALIEN! - JD/RG
Answer Guy: Another round, another convincing victory by Neil Diamond’s love song to E.T.
Eddie Murphy “Party All The Time”: 6
Christopher Cross “Sailing”: 9 Choice Quote: As much as I was looking forward to a Christopher Cross-Kris Kross match-up, a "Sailing" vs. "Titanic Theme" match would be entertaining as well. - RG
Answer Guy: For his next match, Cross sails into the Bermuda Triangle that is “Heartlight.” Can he survive?
Reminder: Voting on Set #57 continues through tomorrow.
Set #58 (East Bracket)
Dan Hill “Sometimes When We Touch” vs. Julio Iglesias/Willie Nelson “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before”
Extreme “More Than Words” vs. Neil Diamond “I Am, I Said”
Bryan Adams “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” vs. Lionel Richie “Dancing On The Ceiling”
Los Del Rio/Bayside Boys “Macarena” vs. Richard Harris “Macarthur Park”
Matchup #1
Dan Hill"Sometimes When We Touch" Defeated Billy Joel “Just The Way You Are” 22-4
Defeated Bette Midler “Wind Beneath My Wings” 12-10
Defeated Starship “We Built This City” 11-7
Matchup #2
Extreme“More Than Words" Defeated Scorpions “Wind Of Change” 10-8-1
Defeated Duran Duran “Notorious” 12-7-1
Defeated Norman Greenbaum “Spirit In The Sky” 9-8-1
Neil Diamond"I Am, I Said" Defeated Bo Donaldson & The Heywoods “Billy, Don’t Be A Hero” 9-6-1
Defeated Mike + The Mechanics “The Living Years” 10-9-1
Defeated Blue Swede “Hooked On A Feeling” 10-8
Matchup #3
Bryan Adams"(Everything I Do) I Do It For You" Defeated Journey “Open Arms” 9-3
Defeated Herman’s Hermits “I’m Henry VIII, I Am” 14-7
Defeated Partridge Family “I Think I Love You” 10-7
Lionel Richie"Dancing On The Ceiling" Defeated Murray Head “One Night In Bangkok” 13-2
Defeated Andy Gibb “I Just Want To Be Your Everything” 12-9
Defeated Musical Youth “Pass The Duchie” 10-7
Matchup #4
Los Del Rio/Bayside Boys "Macarena" Defeated Tag Team “Whoomp! There It Is” 9-5
Defeated Hootie & The Blowfish “Hold My Hand” 13-5
Defeated Paper Lace “The Night Chicago Died” 10-7
Richard Harris"Macarthur Park" Defeated Archies “Sugar Sugar” 13-4
Defeated Rick Astley “Together Forever” 12-8
Defeated Limp Bizkit “Nookie” 8-8-1 (OT)
Voting on Set #58 begins immediately and ends Thursday, March 20 at 8:00 PM EST.
Set #57 (North Bracket)
Nazareth “Love Hurts” vs. Backstreet Boys “I Want It That Way”
Michael Bolton “When A Man Loves A Woman” vs. Rednex “Cotton Eye Joe”
Neil Diamond “Heartlight” vs. Color Me Badd “I Wanna Sex You Up”
Eddie Murphy “Party All The Time” vs. Christopher Cross “Sailing”
Backstreet Boys"I Want It That Way" Defeated Tiffany “I Think We’re Alone Now” 15-8
Defeated Rick Dees “Disco Duck” 15-8
Defeated Mariah Carey “Hero” 10-5-1
Matchup #2
Michael Bolton"When A Man Loves A Woman" Defeated Poison “Unskinny Bop” 19-0
Defeated Minnie Riperton “Loving You” 13-5
Defeated Zager & Evans “In The Year 2525” 11-5
Rednex"Cotton Eye Joe" Defeated MC Hammer “U Can’t Touch This” 11-7
Defated Billy Squier “The Stroke” 9-7-2
Defeated Stacey Q “Two Of Hearts” 10-6
Matchup #3
Neil Diamond"Heartlight" Defeated Band Aid “Do They Know It’s Christmas” 13-0-2
Defeated Walter Murphy “A Fifth Of Beethoven” 20-0
Defeated Lou Bega “Mambo No. 5” 11-2-1
Color Me Badd"I Wanna Sex You Up" Defeated Wilson Phillips “Hold On” 13-1
Defeated Clint Holmes “Playground In My Mind” 15-5
Defeated Marcia Griffiths “Electric Boogie” 8-6
Matchup #4
Eddie Murphy"Party All The Time" Defeated Timbuk 3 “The Future’s So Bright…” 10-3-1
Defeated Moody Blues “Nights In White Satin” 16-3
Defeated Vengaboys “We Like To Party” 8-6
Christopher Cross"Sailing" Defeated The Knack “My Sharona” 14-1
Defeated Warrant “Cherry Pie” 11-7-1
Defeated Bobby Goldsboro “Honey” 11-3
Voting on Set #57 begins immediately and ends Wendesday, March 19 at 8:00 PM EST.
There’s not much to say about any of these individual matchups. But imagine a CD with all eight of these songs. Maybe this is what they torture suspected al-Qaeda operatives with at Guantanamo Bay.
Of all the sets in this round, I think we saved the best for last.
Voting on Set #56 begins immediately and ends Saturday, March 15 at 6:00 PM EST.
Set #54 Results
Partridge Family-"I Think I Love You": 7
Bryan Adams-"(Everything I Do) I Do It For You": 10
Adams’ horrible movie theme deservedly moves on.
Musical Youth-"Pass The Duchie": 7
Lionel Richie -"Dancing On The Ceiling": 10
Lionel passes Musical Youth. On the left hand side.
Los Del Rio/Bayside Boys-"Macarena": 10 Paper Lace-"The Night Chicago Died": 7
“Macarena” makes it through again, but Paper Lace put up a surprisingly strong challenge.
Wow, today’s voting had three 7-10 splits. Very bad if you’re a bowler.
Richard Harris-"Macarthur Park": 8 (OT)
Limp Bizkit-"Nookie": 8
(1 Abstention)
OK – here’s why I went with “Macarthur Park” to advance:
1. How bad was the original version of “Macarthur Park?” So bad that a disco version was a substantial improvement. So bad that a Weird Al parody is nearly unlistenable.
2. As annoying as Fred Durst and his cohorts are, “Macarthur Park” has been annoying people for 35 years. (Besides, “Nookie” will be back next year as an auto-bid.)
3. “Nookie” is over two minutes shorter.
4. “Macarthur Park” won Dave Barry’s Bad Song Survey. Which ought to be worth something.
5. For crying out loud, this is a song about a guy comparing his lost love to a cake melting in the rain. “I did it all for the nookie” is a far less stupid line.
Set #52 Results
4 Non Blondes-"What's Up": 9 Kix -"Don't Close Your Eyes": 7
Choice Quote: “4 Non-Blondes. Another 'profound' band that just wasn't. See 'Creed.'” - GJ Answer Guy: Linda Perry and company in a squeaker. Well, actually a shrieker, but anyway…
Salt-N-Pepa-"Push It": 0
Gerardo-"Rico Suave": 15 Choice Quote: “Gerardo -- Was neither "Rico" nor Suave." Discuss.” - PS
Answer Guy: Wow, a third round shutout. Spinderella and company fail miserably at being the Cinderella of this year’s “Jukebox.” Gerardo (a native of Ecuador, BTW) and “Rico” advance easily again.
R. Kelly-"I Believe I Can Fly": 8 Paul Anka -"You're Having My Baby": 7
(1 Abstention)
Choice Quote: “At least whoever was having Paul Anka's baby was probably of consenting age.” - EB
Answer Guy: R. Kelly breaks through yet another obstacle to get closer to Jukebox Hell.
Kris Kross-"Jump": 11 Stevie Wonder -"I Just Called To Say I Love You": 5
Choice Quote: “Looks like Kriss Kross missed the bus. Then again, if they have R. Kelly in the next round, that is something that they will never, ever, do again.” - DV
Answer Guy: As one commenter said, R. Kelly. Kris Kross. Let the pedophilia jokes continue. Wonder’s serious lapse in judgment is hereby disconnected from further voting.
We lead this set with what has to be the nastiest third round matchup of them all. Both songs have breezed to this point; “Heartlight” hasn’t even gotten anyone to vote against it yet (although “Mambo” has had tougher competition.) But only one will survive.
Set #51 Results
Snow-"Informer":11 Eric Carmen-"All By Myself": 9
(1 Abstention)
Choice Quote: “And Eric is escorted out of the tournament, but alone. Always alone.” - BH
Answer Guy: Carmen, fresh off derailing Lee Greenwood, fails to avert the Snow-Ice matchup. Even the Celine Dion factor can’t put Eric over the top. Better luck next year.
Vanilla Ice-"Ice Ice Baby": 19 Elvis Presley-"In The Ghetto": 2
Choice Quote: “Snow and Ice next round. Everyone get out the parkas.” - EB
Answer Guy: Some observer noted the common theme here was complete lack of street credibility. But while Elvis was a multi-millionaire when he recorded “Ghetto,” well, at least he didn’t pretend to be a gang-banger himself.
Morris Albert -"Feelings": 16 Tony Orlando & Dawn-"Tie A Yellow Ribbon 'Round The Ole Oak Tree": 5
Choice Quote: “If we all drink a Pepsi like Hammer, will this song go away forever?” - PC
Answer Guy: “Feelings” has truly wrought death and destruction in this tournament – “Yummy Yummy Yummy,” Mariah Carey, and now “Tie A Yellow Ribbon,” have all been left in its wake.
Creed-"With Arms Wide Open": 10
Patrick Swayze-"She's Like The Wind": 11 Choice Quote: “That song is out of its league in its mediocrity. I'm just a fool to believe this is a quality song.” - JD
Answer Guy: Swayze’s “Dirty Dancing” hit demonstrates surprising staying power, taking out a popular current musical whipping boy in Creed.
Set #50 Results
Starship-"We Built This City": 7
Dan Hill-"Sometimes When We Touch": 11 Choice Quote: “It'd be great if that woman in the GEICO commercial accidentally lost her grip on the gecko.” - JK
Answer Guy: Dan Hill’s sappy ballad cuts through yet another worthy “Jukebox” contender.
New Kids On The Block-"The Right Stuff": 8
Julio Iglesias/Willie Nelson-"To All The Girls I've Loved Before": 10 Choice Quote: ”By my count, Julio actually loved 20-thousand of the girls before. Willie's trying to get to #2.” - JD
Answer Guy: After two easy rounds, NKOTB are unable to “hang tough” against the gruesome twosome of Julio and Willie.
Norman Greenbaum-"Spirit In The Sky": 8
Extreme-"More Than Words": 9 (1 Abstention)
Choice Quote: "More Than Words": I would say a few words of my own, but I need to think of a new, even more, superlative form for "suck" first.” - DV
Answer Guy: Another close call for the least romantic “romantic” ballad in history. But it gets through.
Blue Swede-"Hooked On A Feeling": 8
Neil Diamond-"I Am I Said": 10 Choice Quote: “Even lacking oogachackas, "I Am, I Said" is horrible. In fact, a couple oogachackas would actually improve the lyrical quality of this mess.” - RG
Answer Guy: The chair to this very day has refused to give any response to Neil Diamond’s declaration that he “is.” Not even an “ooga-chaka.”
Wednesday, April 02, 2003
